A Rather Unique Sense of Justice

Here's something I was handed by someone in the city recently. Brought to you by www.operations513.com, this tract has finally brought me over to the light of the lord Jesus Christ. Let's have a look, in the style of a chick tract dissection.


Mr. Nice Guy:  Who are you?  How are you talking to me?


This first page sets the scene for the rest of the tract - Mr Nice Guy apparently lives in a featureless wasteland of changing colours and nothing else, save for whatever the mysterious voice summons up for him.  He doesn't seem particularly bothered by this, either.

Mr. Nice Guy: Actually, I'm not even religious, I only know of the ten commandments because people keep coming up to me on the street and pressing religious tracts on me.

Mysterious Voice:  But what if you were lying when you said you were a liar?  Does that mean you tell the truth?  Maybe you really haven't stolen anything?
Mr. Nice Guy:  I was also lying when I said I was happy doing this, so uh...
Mysterious Voice: Were you?  WERE YOU?

On the other hand, Mr. Nice Guy gives in pretty easily to these allegations.  Good thing he didn't get caught as a kid, or he'd never have been able to get out of it.

Mr. Nice Guy (kicking dejectedly at the ground): A thief, I guess...

Eh, I'm not into girls whose arms and torso are roughly the same size and shape.

Voice: Jesus said-
Mr. Nice Guy: Wait, I said I'm not religious, I don't really-
Voice: JESUS SAID, "Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already commited adultery with her in his heart."
Mr. Nice Guy: Well, I haven't done that, I'm gay.  That last page was just a woman passing in front of Johnny Depp.
Voice:  Gay?  Well you're a lost cause then, never mind.

Well, lying wasn't against one of the ten commandments, really, it's 'bearing false witness against your neighbour' which is more like lying in a way that is bad for your countrymen.  Lying to enemies is okay.  And the rest?  Don't kill, don't work on a sunday (which many Christians do), don't make any idols (like statues of Jesus, angels, or any animal or plant), no other gods, honour your parents, and don't want what other people have.



Mr. Nice Guy: Okay, so I'm not perfect.
Voice: Well, suppose we put a device in your brain...
Mr. Nice Guy: Wait, who were you again?
Voice: Do you work for Al Qaeda?  What are the terrorist plans?!

Mr. Nice Guy:  That, right over there, to my right!  That would be embarrassing!

I imagine no one, even the most steadfast Christian, would really want their thoughts displayed to all their friends and family.  Particularly since they'd just be internally condemning all their friends and family for not being Christian enough.

Mr. Nice Guy: Compared to guys under 6 feet tall, I'm a saint!
Voice: True.  God hates short people.

127550 times, to be exact.  This is 5 sins a day from birth till death, of course.  And this isn't including leap years, which would make it an extra 87 and a half sins.  Truly terrible.


Mr. Nice Guy: But won't god just forgive me?
Voice:  No, for He is petty and vengeful.  Anyway, look at this flawed analogy:

Voice: God is a holy, righteous judge. He hates sin!  Jesus warned that God, in his wrath, will torture anyone who sins even once  for all eternity.  Never-ending pain and suffering, with no chance to redeem yourself, because God is justice.  A good judge condemns all petty thieves to life in prison. A good judge would demand that anyone who lies about how their girlfriend looks in that dress is sentenced to eternal burning torture forever.  Only a corrupt judge would allow some form of scaled penance, where greater crimes mean a greater punishment.  Only a good judge would allow someone innocent of all crimes to be given the death sentence in your stead.

Voice:  God loves his people so much that he will torture you forever if you've never heard of him, dismissed him as fictitious, or failed to worship him in this very specific way.  He loves you so much that he molded a mortal version of himself - like you might mold a small lump of phlegm into a statuette - and had it born to a human woman, to teach to a very small segment of the middle eastern population before being killed, and then later influencing the creation of some highly contradictory manuscripts, to be selectively chosen for inclusion in a book which even now is still hailed as the ultimate truth.  He loves his people so much, that everyone who was born and died before this essential knowledge of having to praise Jesus specifically was even discussed, and also the people who died before Jesus himself was born, will be eternally tortured for their ignorance.  Every person who was never reached with this message, tortured forever. Everyone-
Mr. Nice Guy: I'm just going to go ahead and rip my heart out, if it's okay with you.
Voice: Whatever, fag.


For more (and much funnier) dissections along these lines, try the brilliant Enter the Jabberwork!